What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
ok first of all what the fuck
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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