Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
