Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
