woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
