I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
