I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
