i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
