Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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