Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
