There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Are my feet made of real feet?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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