so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
