I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
