you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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