miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
