got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
