Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
