I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
