70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
