Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I met the friendliest cop last night
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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