Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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