forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
