I haven't been this sober since birth.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
