I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
