You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
