Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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