I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
