How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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