clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
