It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
