I met the friendliest cop last night
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
