So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
