i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
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