mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
