I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
