it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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