I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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