my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
