you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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