Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
