Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
