every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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