i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
