ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
