I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Randomize