just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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