I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
