T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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