In America we eat man semen.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
