i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
