God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
