So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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